top of page

Using Kids As Messengers After Divorce

No one can deny that divorce is an emotionally difficult process. However, it doesn't just affect the spouses involved; it affects the children as well. Co-parenting arrangements present many challenges, but one of them is using children as messengers between parents.

This may seem like a convenient way to communicate, like "Can you tell your dad I'll drop you off at 3:30?" or "Can you give this letter to your mom?", but it has a significant emotional impact on children. Particularly, it puts them in an unjust and inappropriate position, causing anxiety, confusion, and guilt.

Further, all children are affected by this, no matter their age. A child who has experienced divorce or separation is highly sensitive to the emotions of their parents. Even if you reassure them many times, a small part of them will always believe that your divorce was because of him or her. As a result, any negative reaction from the other parent will seem directed at the child.

The purpose of this blog post is to explain the potential dangers of using kids as messengers after divorce and to suggest healthier alternatives for co-parenting that are more effective for everyone involved.

The Impact on Children

Among the emotions experienced by children of divorce are confusion, guilt, and sadness. Being used as messengers can exacerbate these feelings and put them under unnecessary anxiety and stress. The reason is that when children are asked to carry messages between parents, they may feel overwhelmed by responsibilities they're not prepared to handle. As a result, this can lead to feelings of resentment towards their parents or a sense of being caught between two conflicting personalities.

In addition, using children as messengers blurs the boundary between parent and child. It is possible for children to feel pressed into serving as mediators or diplomats between their parents instead of enjoying their childhood. As a result, they may experience long-term insecurity about where they fit into the family dynamic.

Communication Breakdown

When children are relied upon to communicate with co-parents, miscommunications or incomplete information can occur. There may be misunderstandings or conflicts between parents and their children as a result of children forgetting or misinterpreting details. 

When communication breaks down, tensions rise and co-parenting becomes hostile, which ultimately harms the children.

Emotional Manipulation

Some people use children as messengers as a form of emotional manipulation. There may be instances in which one parent uses the child to convey hurtful or manipulative messages to the other parent. The child is not only put under unnecessary emotional strain but the relationship between the parents is also weakened.

Furthermore, children may learn to manipulate situations or withhold information to avoid conflict.

The following are some other reasons why it is not recommended to use children as messengers:

  • There is a possibility that the children may be exposed to raw reactions that they were not prepared to see.

  • When children are asked to reveal information about one parent to another, they may suffer emotional trauma.

  • Children have to bear the emotional weight of the relationship that you have with your ex. The result can be undue stress and anxiety.

  • In some cases, children may feel trapped in the middle or confused about their parents' loyalties.

  • There is a risk that children will perceive themselves as burdens.

  • A child may feel forced to grow up too soon.

  • Children may feel forced to pick sides.

  • In some cases, it can cause children to become emotionally reactive.

Healthy Communication Alternatives

The good news is that there are healthier alternatives to using children as messengers after divorce. To achieve effective co-parenting, parents can employ several strategies without involving their children, including:

  • Develop a parenting plan. Parenting plans specify how parents will co-parent their children. Typically, it's drafted during a divorce or separation agreement. Co-parenting agreements usually specify how the co-parents will communicate with each other, as well as how and when the child can communicate with the other parent when at each parent's home, along with a contact schedule and dispute resolution methods. 

  • Direct communication. Parents should communicate directly with one another whenever possible. Conversations can take place in person, over the phone, or via email. Direct communication allows parents to convey messages accurately and without distortion.

  • Co-parenting apps. Many co-parenting apps, such as OurFamilyWizard, exist to facilitate communication between separated or divorced parents. With these apps, parents can coordinate schedules and share important information without involving their children, including shared calendars, expense tracking, and messaging platforms.

  • Neutral third parties. Parents can enlist the help of neutral third parties, such as family therapists and mediators when direct communication is difficult or contentious. They can facilitate communication between parents and help them resolve conflicts constructively.

  • Setting boundaries. When it comes to communication, parents need to establish clear boundaries. In some cases, this may mean avoiding contentious topics in front of children, while in others, it might mean defining specific times and methods for communication.


It is important to remember that your children's well-being is your number one priority. It is possible to create a more positive and supportive environment for them if you avoid using them as messengers and seek healthy communication methods.

48 views0 comments


bottom of page