Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Building Safe, Supportive Co-Parenting Environments

Each October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) reminds us of the urgent need to address family abuse. Working with survivors and families navigating separation, I have witnessed firsthand how difficult it can be to create safe, stable co-parenting arrangements after a violent relationship.

When domestic violence is part of the family's history, co-parenting becomes more than a scheduling or communication issue; rather, it becomes a matter of safety, healing, and reestablishing trust. During this month, we should discuss how we can support survivors and their children to thrive.

Why Domestic Violence Awareness Month Matters for Families

Every year, domestic violence affects millions of families across the United States. Intimate partner violence is experienced by nearly one out of four women and one out of nine men during their lifetime. Often, children who witness violence in their homes will carry the emotional impact for years to come.

In the event of a relationship ending, the issue of co-parenting becomes a concern - or even the question of whether co-parenting is even possible. In addition to raising awareness, Domestic Violence Awareness Month helps survivors remember that they are not alone and that there are safe parenting solutions available.

The Complexities of Co-Parenting After Domestic Violence

A traditional co-parenting relationship involves both parents communicating openly and collaborating for the child's benefit. This model, however, may not be suitable or safe when there has been a history of abuse.

In my practice as a therapist, I often emphasize the importance of safety before cooperation. For example, a parallel parenting model that limits communication and clearly defines boundaries may offer more protection to survivors than conventional co-parenting.

Key challenges survivors face:

• Power imbalances. As a way to maintain control, an abusive partner may use parenting arrangements.

• Fear and trauma trigger symptoms. Emotional wounds can be reopened by communication with an abusive ex.

• Children are caught in the middle. A child may feel pressured to choose sides or keep secrets.

• Legal hurdles. In some cases, custody and visitation battles are lengthy and traumatic.

In order to cope with these realities, we must recognize them. If co-parenting after abuse is going to work, it needs to prioritize healing for the children and stability for the survivor, not forcing interaction in unsafe places.

Building a Safe and Supportive Co-Parenting Environment

Although every family situation is unique, here are some guiding principles I share with clients:

Prioritize safety above all else.

Survivors need a plan to protect themselves and their children. Safe exchange locations, supervised visits, or court orders may all be included in such arrangements.

In my role as a therapist, I tell clients that putting safety first isn't selfish. It is important for children to feel safe with their caregiver.

Consider parallel parenting.

Parallel parenting is especially beneficial in situations of high conflict or abuse, allowing each parent to share responsibility and minimize direct contact with the child. In most cases, communication is limited to the essentials and is usually conducted through structured platforms.

Set firm boundaries.

By setting clear, consistent boundaries, manipulation is less likely to occur. In some cases, you may need to avoid phone calls outside of emergencies, or you might need to use third-party apps to coordinate schedules.

Use professional support systems.

A therapist, mediator, or parenting coordinator can provide guidance. By working with trauma-informed professionals, survivors can be assured that their needs are heard without judgment.

Empower the children.

Children need to be reassured that they are not responsible for adult conflicts. To make kids feel supported, open conversations and age-appropriate therapy are encouraged.

Stay connected to resources.

Local advocacy centers, such as Child Inc. and What Is Your Voice, as well as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, can assist survivors in navigating legal systems and safety planning.

The Role of Therapy in Healing Families

The purpose of therapy is to offer survivors a safe place for them to process their trauma and rebuild their sense of self. As children grow, therapy can become a more comfortable place for them to express their feelings.

When I work with children, I often see how important it is for them to realize that violence is never their fault. When transitions between households feel overwhelming, kids can benefit from learning coping strategies like grounding.

In the case of survivors, therapy can provide the following benefits:

• Provide emotional support and validation.

• Identify triggers and develop strategies to deal with them.

• Develop boundary-setting skills.

• Ensure that parenting decisions are made with confidence.

There is no quick fix to healing, but therapy can help survivors move forward instead of remaining stuck in a cycle of fear.

Legal and Community Supports

It takes more than personal effort to create a safe co-parenting environment - it requires legal and community support as well. To ensure their safety, survivors may need protective orders, custody modifications, or supervised visitation arrangements.

Additionally, community organizations play an important role. As well as emergency housing, shelters, and advocacy groups also provide counseling, legal aid, and parenting workshops. As part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, these organizations often increase outreach to remind families that help is available.

What Healthy Co-Parenting Looks Like (Even After Violence)

Despite the fact that every situation is different, supportive co-parenting after domestic violence often shares the following characteristics:

• In both homes, children feel safe and loved.

• There is minimal conflict exposure - kids are not placed in conflict situations.

• Anxiety can be reduced by predictable routines.

• Both parents respect the boundaries (with the help of the courts if necessary).

• Incorporating community resources and professional services into family life.

There is no such thing as a perfect arrangement, but it is important to create one where safety, stability, and healing are prioritized.

How Friends and Family Can Help

Many times, loved ones want to help, but they're not sure how. To support survivors trying to coparent, here are some suggestions:

• Listen without judgment. A survivor may feel conflicted or guilty about the decisions they made.

• Validate their concerns. Abuse should never be taken lightly.

• Offer practical help. Caregiving, transportation, or just being present could be involved.

• Respect boundaries. Survivors know best what feels safe for them.

It is your support that can make the difference between a survivor feeling isolated and feeling empowered.

Final Thoughts

This month is dedicated to spreading awareness about an issue that is too often kept hidden. In families affected by abuse, co-parenting requires a delicate balance between safety, healing, and rebuilding.

My message as a therapist is that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. The most important thing is that survivors and children feel supported and safe. Whether it's through parallel parenting, professional guidance, or strong community resources, the path forward should always be centered on safety and healing.

Those experiencing domestic violence can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for confidential support. Remember, your path does not have to be walked alone - help is out there.