It’s Not About You—It’s About the Kids: How Co-Parents Can Put Their Children First

During my clinical practice, I have encountered numerous parents navigating the wreckage of a broken relationship. There is real pain, justified anger, and a sense of betrayal that can be overwhelming. Most couples, however, find it difficult psychologically to realize that their personal feelings are now secondary when they transition from partners to co-parents.

The mantra I repeat in my office daily is this: Your child’s right to a healthy childhood outweighs your right to a grudge.

There is more data than ever on how high-conflict divorce affects the long term. We know that parents' ongoing conflict damages children more than the separation itself. As a result of a power struggle between parents, a child becomes hyper-vigilant, scanning their environment for emotional landmines.

In order to move from "Ex-Partners" to "Effective Co-Parents," it's necessary to reframe the relationship as a professional business partnership where the "business" is the successful raising of a child.

1. The Psychology of the "Middle-Man"

Co-parenting can lead to many damaging behaviors, one of which is placing the child at the center. Often, this occurs in subtle ways: asking the child about the other parent, using the child to communicate child support messages, or sighing when the other parent's name is mentioned.

This creates a loyalty conflict. Remember, both parents shape a child's identity. Your child hears more than just that their mother or father is "bad" when you criticize them; they hear that half of them is as well. As a result, deep-seated shame and anxiety are created.

The clinical fix: Think of the other parent as a colleague you don't particularly enjoy working with, but must do so in order to accomplish a task. Be brief, informative, friendly, and firm in your communication (the BIFF method). Don't say anything to your co-parent in front of your child that you wouldn't say to a coworker.

2. Consistency Over Control

For co-parents, it's difficult to accept that they cannot influence what happens in the other household. It's not uncommon for parents to fight over bedtimes, sugar intake, or screen time rules. In high-conflict situations, parallel parenting is sometimes necessary. However, consistency is the best option.

Predictability is essential to children. In a house where the rules change constantly, the child spends all their energy adapting rather than developing.

The clinical fix: Choose your battles wisely. It's okay if the other parent has a slightly different bedtime. Instead, focus on the "Big Three": Safety, Education, and Health. For school projects and doctor appointments, use a shared digital calendar or co-parenting app. As a result, verbal "check-ins" that lead to disputes can be eliminated.

3. Managing the "Transition Turbulence"

For many, "handoff" is the most stressful time for a child in a co-parenting situation. This is when they move from one world to another. During transitions, many parents mistake a child's irritability or "acting out" for a sign that the child doesn't want to visit the other parent. In reality, it's often transition anxiety.

While your child mourns the temporary loss of one parent, he or she is bracing for the rules and environment of the other parent.

The clinical fix: Support the departure. Allow your child to enjoy his/her time with the other parent by saying explicitly, "I'll see you when you get back." This gives the child permission not to feel guilty about it.

Additionally, if handoffs are high-conflict, do them in a neutral, public place or at school. One parent drops off; the other picks up. As a result, the "front porch" tension is eliminated.

4. De-Escalating the "Emotional Hijack"

Whenever your co-parent triggers you, your "amygdala," the part of your brain responsible for fight-or-flight reactions, or-flight reactions-takes over. This is called an emotional hijack. It's difficult to think rationally when you are in this state, and you are likely to say things that escalate the conflict.

The clinical fix: Use the 24-Hour Rule. Do not respond to triggering texts or emails for at least 24 hours, unless it is a true medical emergency. By doing so, your prefrontal cortex, the rational part of your brain, can regain its function. Use this time to ask yourself: "Is my response about my child’s well-being, or is it about my own ego?"

5. Reframing the "Broken Home" Narrative

The term "broken home" needs to be retired. A home is not broken because it has one parent; it is broken if it is toxic. For a child's development, two peaceful homes are more beneficial than one filled with "cold war" silence or "hot war" screams.

Watch how you behave in front of your child. By watching how you treat their other parent, they learn how to handle disappointment, resolve conflict, and treat others. By modeling their future relationships, you're setting an example for them.

Conclusion: The Long Game

It's not about winning when it comes to co-parenting. There are no trophies for being the "better" parent. In the end, what matters is that your child grows up healthy and well-adjusted, able to form steady relationships as an adult.

Years from now, your child won't recall who paid for which soccer camp or who got an extra weekend in October at his or her graduation or wedding. They will, however, remember that they didn't have to worry about their parents being in the same room.

As long as they are allowed to love both of you without apology, they will remember how much they loved each of you.

It isn't about you. It never was. It’s about the kids.