Teens, Freedom, and Flexibility: Summer Co-Parenting for Older Kids

One of the questions I hear often from co-parents and teens during summer is: How should we balance our teen's growing independence with the need for structure and communication across two households?

When you've got older kids, co-parenting can be tough. Schedules are looser, routines

change, and teens want more autonomy. That's developmentally normal, and even healthy, but it can put extra strain on co-parenting dynamics that already demand effort, communication, and compromise.

Whether you're adjusting to co-parenting for the first time or have been doing it for years, there are ways to balance freedom, boundaries, and safety for your teen.

Understand What Summer Means to Your Teen

First, let me take you through the summer from the perspective of your teenager. When school is out, peer time is in, and there's often an urge to break loose from rigid schedules. Sleep patterns change, social lives ramp up, and if they're working or volunteering, responsibilities increase.

Your teen may also experience emotional ups and downs due to growing independence, developing their identity, or even a split family.

Keeping structure intact is important as a parent, but resist the temptation to clamp down too much. Instead, think of yourself as a guide. Teenagers need both room to stretch and limits that are clearly communicated. And, there is no better time to practice that delicate dance than during the summer.

1. Flexibility Starts With Communication—Between Parents

Summer success begins before your teen gets out of bed at noon. Specifically, the most important work happens between co-parents.

If things aren't going well in your relationship, be proactive and child-centered. As older kids become more independent, they may start making independent plans that affect both households.

A few coordination basics to cover:

• Vacation dates. Be sure to lock these in early and share them clearly.

• Transportation responsibilities. Who’s picking them up from work, camp, or a friend’s house?

• Shared costs. Whether it's extra groceries or travel, clarity helps avoid resentment.

• Rule consistency. Curfews and expectations differ drastically between homes, and teens can feel whiplash or play one house against the other.

Whether you handle conflict with your coparent or collaborate with them, your teen will notice. Rather than lecturing about respect and compromise, it is better to model these behaviors.

2. Include Your Teen in the Planning Process

Rather than being passengers, older kids are co-navigators. When you involve your teen in summer planning, he or she will feel more in control and more likely to follow through with their responsibilities.

Try planning your summer together (ideally with both parents, even virtually). Discuss:

• Time spent with each parent

• Is there any camp, job, or volunteer commitment?

• Travel plans

• Visiting a friend or staying overnight

• Downtime

Teenagers feel respected and trusted when they have a say in how their time is divided. In addition, they are more likely to be honest when something isn't working.

You can also use a shared Google calendar or co-parenting app to keep everyone updated, especially if your teen is juggling school and social obligations.

3. Balance Freedom with Age-Appropriate Boundaries

Let’s talk about freedom. For teens, pushing for more autonomy is natural and necessary. During the summer, late nights, unsupervised hangouts, and long online sessions are common. However, autonomy does not mean ignoring boundaries.

As a parent, you should set age-appropriate guardrails for your children's exploration. In order to achieve this, households must be consistent and work together.

Depending on your teen's age and maturity, the following boundaries can be flexed:

• Curfews. Adapt to different activities, but maintain consistency between homes.

• Check-ins. Trust can be built by a quick text when they arrive at a friend's house or leave work.

• Device use. Especially late at night, screen time is not recommended. While some families use parental controls, others rely on honest communication.

• Driving rules. As your teen learns to drive or gets their license, make sure both parents are on the same page about expectations, limits, and usage.

• Substance use. If you are talking about alcohol, vaping, or drugs in summer, it's important to be direct, clear, and on the same page.

It is important to set expectations early and to revisit them regularly. Teenagers aren't static, so rules shouldn't be either. It may be necessary to adjust what worked last summer.

4. Respect Their Social Life—Without Losing Sight of Safety

It's peak friend season in the summer. For many teens, social time with peers is more important than family time. This can sting, but it's a normal part of the individuation process.

It's not personal. Rather than asking about their social circle, ask about their friends. Take an interest in their friendships. Learn the names, plans, and ideally, the parents of their close friends.

Whenever possible, accommodate the social needs of your children in your co-parenting schedule. When your teen has a birthday party at a home other than their own, work together to arrange an exception. Having that little bit of flexibility builds trust over time.

It's important to keep your teen safe, but it's also important to show that you trust their judgment. Instead of a punishment, frame check-ins as a partnership.

5. Don’t Skip the Emotional Check-Ins

There is no doubt that summer is a busy season. In a world without school and extracurriculars, it's easy to lose the habit of checking in emotionally.

Don't miss out on small moments of connection. An evening snack run, a drive together, or a chat while folding laundry may be more productive than a formal meeting.

I suggest parents ask the following open-ended questions:

• “What are you looking forward to this week?”

• “What’s been stressful lately?”

• “Anything you wish I understood better about how you're feeling this summer?”

• “Do you feel like you're getting enough space—or too much?”

It is not uncommon for teens to shrug or say a monosyllable. That’s okay. Don't stop showing up. Even if they pretend not to notice, your consistent presence communicates safety.

6. Give Grace to Each Other—and Yourself

Summer can be a difficult time to co-parent teens. Schedules change. Teens forget to communicate. When the teen spends more time at the other house, one parent might feel left out. Tensions can arise.

In these moments, I encourage grace.

• Give your teen grace as they learn to balance freedom and responsibility.

• Be gracious to your co-parent, even if you don't agree with all their choices.

• As you balance love, fear, pride, and frustration-sometimes all at the same time-you need grace.

When in doubt, ask: What’s in the best interest of our teen? By focusing on something larger than old resentments or logistical hassles, co-parenting decisions become more meaningful.

Final Thoughts: Summer Is a Season for Growth—For Everyone

Summer is a time when teens grow rapidly. It's a time when they learn how to drive, fall in love, make mistakes, chase dreams, and figure out who they are. As parents, we're also learning. The ability to let go a little, to support from the sidelines, and to stay connected even as they pull away.

In a supportive co-parenting environment, summer can be a time of growth and connection for teens and their families, as well.

What if things get tricky? If you need support, don't hesitate to reach out to other parents, friends, family members, support groups, or a therapist.